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Written by: Dr. Supreetha Gubbala
With Thanksgiving both literally and figuratively under our belts, December marks the official start of the holiday season.
For some the holidays bring warm memories, rekindling of family connections and reunions with old friends. For many however, this season can bring forth lukewarm memories, and mixed emotions.
If you fall into the latter description, it is important to prepare yourself for this time of navigating complicated familial relationships while managing multiple expectations.
The first step in this process is to acknowledge and expect that there might be stressful, and even overwhelming, moments ahead.
No one can claim to have a perfect family, and each of us faces conflicts and disagreements that can arise when we are reunited with family members after a long time.
The next step is to reach into the toolbox below to manage these moments, so that you are able to enjoy this time with family while also taking care of yourself.
Set realistic expectations
Remember that change happens slowly. Although, nostalgia can be a beautiful emotion, it can also cloud your expectations of how your family or friends will behave when you interact with them.
Try to maintain realistic expectations of how interactions with family members will go, how you may be mentally and physical triggered and how much you are able to manage.
Protect your energy
Set boundaries with others and yourself to provide emotional safety. Remember, this is just a short period of time and making compromises is allowed.
It is okay to give yourself permission to not engage in controversial conversations with people who do not feel safe. It is okay to allow yourself to agree with people in order to avoid confrontation or prevent escalation with family members.
In doing so, you are not compromising your values or not standing up for what you believe in. Rather you are choosing a time to traverse difficult subjects with intention.
Take breaks
If you are starting to feel overwhelmed, help your body reset. This can include going on a walk, offering to wash dishes or playing with children.
If you start feeling anxious, try this “box breathing” technique designed to help your body leave the sympathetic “fight or flight” response activated by stress and enter a “rest or digest” state which allows for relaxation.
- Breath in slowly for four seconds, while bringing awareness to how your lungs and stomach rise
- Hold your breath for four seconds
- Breath out slowly for four seconds
- Repeat at least three times
Self Sooth
Make a list of things that help soothe you when you are feeling distressed and keep it easily accessible.
After big family gatherings or stressful reunions, go through this list and prioritize soothing your mind and body so they can reset.*
*Make sure to seek help from a professional if your anxiety or stress becomes overwhelming or feels unmanageable.
Mental Health Resources
National Mental Health Services:
Mental Health America
Oregon State Resources
24-hour crisis lines
Lines for Life
Crisis service providers by county
Community Mental Health Programs
Alcohol and Substance Helpline
800-923-4357
Problem Gambling Helpline
877-695-4648
Website includes live chat
Military Helpline
Call: 888-457-4838 anytime
Text: MIL1 to 839863 between 0900-1500 Pacific Time
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Call, text or chat 988.
Youthline
Call: 877-968-8491 anytime
Text: teen2teen to 839863 between 4 and 10 p.m.
Online chat available at OregonYouthline.org
About the Author
Dr. Supreetha Gubbala is a primary care physician who specializes in family medicine. In her practice, she uses an integrated approach that is community-based and family-driven to help individuals heal from complex trauma.